How does she do it?

You know my favorite blogger, right? She's got that tender, loving fabulous food blog that also touches on things family and important. Well, I don't know how she does that, reliably at that. There are things I am reliable at. I reliably get my kids food. I reliably show up for work, except in the case of sick kids or snowstorms shutting down school. I reliably avoid cleaning most things, especially the bathroom, even at the risk of alienating my friends who prefer bathrooms that aren't totally disgusting. And here, the third time in a row, in February, I am now desperate for more room in our house. two years ago, in February, and Two years before that, in february, I called the architect who we want to design our dream raleigh house. And it is taking all of my strength to not call him again, this february until we can actually HIRE him!!! I am dreaming of a sick room. Where I put my family members (who I love very much) but who are sick, and need to be somewhere else but in our one and only room, on our one and only couch....which is also in our kitchen... I am dreaming of a work space for my dh, who was hopping on a conference call sitting on our bed. because there are no surfaces devoid of crap for him to set his laptop on. (and no doors to close to shut out misc. noise.) I am dreaming of a space large enough to lay a yoga mat down, where our arms don't hit furniture in sun salute. I am dreaming of a place to demand my international friends come and stay in... at our house for free! who cares about bedroom space!!! although that's exactly what we're planning. places with doors, and quiet floors, and room for legos and bookshelves. And a place to hang the map of colorado that is bigger than any of our walls. ah, the february rant. the one where its cold, snowy and our house in all its glory is more than halved by the weather. you never hear me talking about space in August. Because we have it! and a kitchen garden! and play room galore! and light til 8 or 9! Here's what I see about small houses. They work perfectly for those who don't have: a social life, extended family they want near them friends who live far away OR they work perfectly for those folks whose close family and friends... HAVE BIG HOUSES! and i am beginning to see that the car issue is quite similar. if you have a big house, you may only use a portion of your house most of the time, but then... when it's needed, it expands to give a quiet place for visiting grandparents... and if you have a big car, when your friend needs you pick up their two kids too, YOU ARE ABLE because there is extra room in your car! There you have it, rant of the day, when I am feeling smothered by sick kids and traveling spouse, and Bingo. and yet another round of head lice warnings from school. And even. in the midst of all this. I realize with great clarity how unbelievably lucky we are. to be safe, warm and provided for. to be loved and to be loving. And how grateful I am for this. which makes me think... we certainly don't need a second floor or more seats in our car! We already have everything we need! and now you see how the go-round goes round.

obsession in a glass jar

So I know I haven't posted since May, and I keep thinking that I may be able one day to post here more, I think it's a combination of all of my insecurities in one place. I have a decent amount of embarassment about the types of things I write about after a few years, and I also have a good amount of paranoia that I will be "found" either out there in ye olde internet search world--and that my words will be used against me. Most likely in a job situation. I have tried to avoid conversation about things work-related and keep myself quite neutral on FB, but you know... you never know. YET. My favorite blog is by this woman who writes her life, posts it and shares it with me. I cry reading her blog, and nod knowingly as if we are actually having a conversation when she tells me about car snacks. I share her love of food. I am so grateful that she throws her beautiful self out there to the digital unknown, and that I found her. So what does that have to do with the fact that I haven't posted in five months? well, not much. except that I got a new computer, and while I cannot promise a single picture, b/c I haven't figured that particular thing out yet, I can actually be logged into two accounts and don't need to wait an average of fifteen minutes for a page to load and then hold my breath between keystrokes so as to not overwhelm my bloated, non-functioning-always needing some update-monster of a computer. Now when I turn on my laptop, it magically turns ON! The thing that I am mostly doing is food. I am trying to get as much of the fresh food into our bodies and all the rest of it into a form that we can eat all winter, when there aren't vegetables piled on every surface as they are all summer long. Currently roasting a pan of tomatoes and getting ready to make some applesauce, pesto and potato soup. lots of potatoes to get through, and yet when they are gone, I feel inexplicably lonely. A good potato is the most understated thing, and yet, the most tasty. off to try and fit in one recipe between now and picking up my big first grader. His little brother has a terrible cough and has been home for three days. I have been mostly arms reach from him, all day and night.

Almost a year ago

Here is a picture from June 4, 2010. It's the best we've got of us, though I think the second one really says it all. "We made it, and I am very tired." :) I love the work I'm doing, and I am actually a librarian. It's such an amazingly good job. I don't know if I knew that it could really happen a year ago. It's nice that I can do a very simple a then b sort of progression, when that's not what ACTUALLY happened, but is what's important. A toast to continuation!

Continuation then Field Day

Our son has left Kindergarten, and is moving on to first grade. It feels like he was just born! Luckily we have the summer to get used to this thought, and to hold him tight (when he lets us).
Milo luckily has two more years in his classroom, but I'm sure I'll be just as shocked when HE's the one with the cute white cap on.
The kids sang, and then their teachers shook their hands and moved the little tassel over to the other side. It was just like a year ago when I graduated!! Tom and Pat took all the pics, and promptly sent me a cd of them. I completely forgot, and have posted or printed not a single one!
The last day of school was field day, and the best part was the last part: tug of war with the teachers! it was very very cute, and the kids won! We are so thankful to this school for how easy it has been to love the teachers and the beautiful way they are helping our boys unfold as people. We are tremendously blessed.

all that unsaid stuff

Yes, I know, we fell off the blogging wagon for a good many months, and although I wrote tomes during that time, none of it is fit for the public sphere. Suffice it to say that my initial foray into the workforce was exceedingly difficult for a multitude of reasons, and all miscellaneous activities besides surviving fell off the map.
We are all on the mend, and not much worse for the wear from such a stressful run. I found different work that suits me much better, and ironically, tomorrow, Rowan will get an actual, gaudy soccer trophy. And since I've covered that topic already, and my feelings haven't changed, the only good thing to do is probably give the garden report.
HENS: 3 in good health and still laying (one having died)
Main garden bed: planted with two rotations of lettuce, some spinach, kale, and broccoli, peas and four lovely tomatoes from master gardener Frankie. Corn, beans and other things on the way.
Two new mini beds, housing a boys garden with "CARROTS!" and lots of calendula, some peas, who knows what else is in there. oh radishes.
and the other housing two zucchini plants which I hope will fill my need for many zucchini pancakes and bisque and fried zucchini, and sautes with pesto.

Rich in the morning, rich in the evening

As we drove back from R's last soccer game today, we were waiting at a light near our house. I got the wits scared out of me as a woman with a child about 8 years old came right to my window. She asked me for money to buy eggs and milk and bread -- i could buy them -- she just didn't have any food. She was standing right in the middle of the street holding this young girl's hand, in the rain. While I tried to quiet my heart, the light turned green, and I told her to get to the sidewalk, it wasn't safe for her to be in the street. She apologized, and went to the curb. I drove home. I watched her watch me drive away. I walked in the back door, and there were my three large bags full of bread, english muffins and buns for the soccer party tomorrow, and that I buy every few weeks and throw in the freezer from the Oroweat outlet. I buy the whole wheat bread there, though I know it's not the best- it's the best they make. (ironically called Best !!)
I took two loaves, some english muffins, two oranges, and and looked around our house. We didn't have very much of any quantity to give her, but for once I had cash in my wallet. I left the boys with George, got back in the car and drove back to the intersection. Damned if the two of them weren't sitting right where I told them to go, and were waiting for me.
I got out of the car, and the girl said she knew I was coming back, while the mom said, "see, there ARE good people in the world!" I gave her the bag of bread, and the 13 dollars I had, to buy milk and eggs. I said that I hoped she would find other ways to support herself, and she said she had applied for all kinds of assistance, but was waiting -- and had nothing to eat.
I drove away in my warm car, and hoped it helped at least a little. We are overflowing with so much here on the corner, I am constantly grateful for the abundance in our lives.
Even after visiting our friends who have a very. big. house. with all sorts of wonderful things in it, I can still feel that we are so fortunate to be exactly where we are. In our sturdy walls, with our little family safely inside and lots of food to fill our bellies.

Trophies, part two

So, you ask, what did you do about the trophies? Answer: Nothing.
At least outwardly.
I hoped maybe we would have something legitimate come up, and we would miss the event. I hoped that somehow the parents would drop the ball... I told G basically what I wrote here and he told me that I was effing crazy, and that I should just lock up the kids if I want to avoid this sort of thing. He actually looked a little crazy telling me that I was so crazy!
So I did exactly nothing (except keep my mouth shut, which then again... is something HUGE). The season carried on, the boys did quite well playing soccer together. They had a great coach, who is fun and even tempered, and able to let them do their learning and gave them great support. Most of the families came to every game! This surprised me, apparently everyone else was much more okay with this thing every friday at 5 and half the day Sat.

My parents came to some games, G was into it, I made it to none of the early games, and all of the later ones, and the boys were just adorable. They were really invested in playing, and trying out how it feels to have the upper or lower hand. they were much more evenly matched this year, and there were some games where they weren't sure if they won or lost.

I thought more about this too. (side note) why exactly don't we keep score? I think it's so that the focus doesn't become goals, but come on. EVERY young kid you know wants to know whether they are winning and losing. So I think we lost a lot of opportunities to talk about how it feels when you are the one losing, and to model that behavior with that context. There was definitely some of that, but maybe next year that will happen. I don't know when they start keeping score.

The parents in charge of the "trophy" went to the store with their son, and he picked out a star shaped medallion (about an inch and a half)with a picture of soccer balls in the middle. the ribbon also had soccer balls. so it was a little star shaped neck thing. and it was just totally fine by me. All the boys got to have one at the pizza party after the last game, (yes, i even paid the three dollars) and now R wears it sometimes and thinks about his team. Mostly, I think he likes swinging it around his neck.
Two talented dads teamed up and took pictures of the boys kicking the ball at the games, (action shots) and then made them into little player cards, so now the boys have pics of all their friends.
When they got their necklaces, each boy was told something they did well, and then we gave the coach a gift card to REI.

All the parents and siblings came, it was very social and chaotic and it was a very nice time.


The moral of my story to myself is, to shut the ef up, and watch first. If I had made a protest, it would have made the whole thing so much worse. Thank goodness I have you to suffer through my tortured rant.

Would I do medals my own self? I will answer this the way I answer about food, because now I'm getting better about that too. It matters less what we are eating, if we are gathered together with friends or family. The benefit far outweighs the deconstruction of bonds that tie us together when we throw up walls or refuse outright. If I have my choice, well, then I will do what I can to also hold true to my commitment to food that has been raised consciously, and is connected to me in a meaningful way. And that makes a get-together even more enjoyable.

I am guessing there will be many more of these events. R loves playing, and its fun for him to be physical and have a great guide in his coach. He has been surrounded by me, and many females, and looks as though that may continue at his school, so for him to get to be with his coach, and his dad-that's really important.

Next topic? violence at schools of course. My Knight-loving, shield-brandishing boy, in the montessori environment.
This will wait for another day, when I get fired up enough and pull out all of my research about boys and unload here so I can stay quiet at school. Hey. this could really work out, I may save myself and our family a lot of grief!

Maybe I'm finally understanding that teaching "do nothing", isn't that buddhist? or am i making it up?